If you're looking for a storefront to start your soon-to-be thriving small business, allow me to suggest you set up shop just off the premises of the Northeast YMCA.
Sincerely,
A Disgruntled Observer
Though it's probably hard to believe if you've never actually shared the same glorified bathtub with the current waterpark clientele, I'd estimate the existing ratio of tattoos to human beings to be 4 to 1...as in every man, woman and child averages 4 visible tattoos. Some of these mudcats look like they're hoping to be discovered by the film crew of Miami Ink who accidentally take a 1,400-mile wrong turn.
Over the summer the fam and I make frequent trips to the waterpark. First of all, it's right down the street. Second, it's $80 a month and since we don't work out at the Y, which is obvious if you've ever seen us at the waterpark, this is how we justify the expense. On my most recent visits I'm noticing a disturbing trend: Tattoos as pervasive as civil war in Africa. I mean, good night. You could watch a decade of NBA all star games back to back and not see this many tattoos.
I'm not anti-tattoo, don't get me wrong. My wife has 2 tattoos. But I think tattoos, especially visible tattoos, make a much stronger statement about a person than other forms of temporary body decorations, like piercings or ridiculous hair styles. Getting a tattoo used to require some forethought. Now apparently everyone gets a tattoo at middle school graduation.
There are three categories of tattoos:
- The peek-a-boo - This tattoo is generally small, not much larger than a Susan B. Anthony dollar (what an odd reference) and typically situated in a area of the body that's easily concealed, such as the ankle, the pelvic area or the scalp if you're a white supremacist just trying to feel out your new neighbors since you shave your head over the summer.
- The statement maker - This tattoo is larger and usually visible at almost all times. It's usually large so it demands a lot of real estate, like most of an arm, an upper or lower back. A notable exception would be Mike Tyson's face tattoo. The statement maker is often unaccompanied by other tattoos that distract the viewer's attention. That's why it's the statement maker. It says, "Look at me at your own peril, Chachie, because I will end you."
- The dormitory bulletin board - this is what I'm seeing a lot of at the YMCA. People with multiple large tattoos completely unrelated to one another, like a bulletin board in a dorm with a million different fliers. Hey, I need a roommate! Hey, my bike got stolen! Hey, free condoms! These tattoos scream out, but they are all so prominent they scream at the same time. It's like driving through the front window glass of a nail salon and having 8 asian women screaming at you in korean. You can't make out what anyone is saying. It's just loud.
